I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
