I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
