Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
