Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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