It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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