i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
