When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
