I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
