a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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