I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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