My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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