The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
