im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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