well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
