do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
