Screwed.edu
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
