The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
