just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
