Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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