Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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