i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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