those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
