She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
