I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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