My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
