Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
