He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
