Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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