apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
