dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
