I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
