Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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