i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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