I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Randomize
