hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
