There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
