Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
