i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
did i walk over a car last night?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The power of my boobs compel you
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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