I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
