I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
