My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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