so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
