News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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