I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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