just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
