My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
