She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
