I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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