I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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