you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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